Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Not Another Wife

Imagine to my surprise, after I came home from Target with a big bag of Beneful dog food for Elsa, when I looked on my receipt to discover that I had also purchased another wife. For a bargain at that!

I don’t remember going down the peripheral family member aisle and I certainly don’t recall putting one in my cart, but I can't protest too much because of all the money I saved. If you remember, it cost a fortune for the first one, what with the ring and the ceremony and all, but apparently this one was on sale for only $3.99 plus tax. Who can pass up a sale like that?

So, now that I’ve got two wives, we plan to soon move to Utah, the land of matrimonial plenty, and I guess I’ll need another sink in the bathroom and a bigger closet with more shoe racks. Maybe this one will enjoy pulling weeds in the yard and won’t mind it too much when I when I sleep in on the weekends. I'm not going to hold my breath, as I heard that those things were design flaws on all wives.

Now don’t get me wrong, I like the original one just fine. No complaints with that particular model—so much so that I bought the extended warrantee—but it’s always good to have a spare lying about, because you never know when the first one will quit on you. I’d hate to be wifeless. Then again, buying another wife at Target without consulting the first one might still make me wifeless. Well, the first wife can't pass up a sale either, so I'm sure she'll understand.

At any rate, I’ve been checking the mailbox every day, but so far, no wife-sized box with air holes punched in it has shown up.

Then again, do I really need two wives? As you have probably seen, I can barely handle the one I've got. I'll have twice as much of everything. Two sets of eyes to roll when I say something stupid. Two sets of arms akimbo when I forget to take out the trash. Two wives asking me if they look fat in those pants. Two pairs of legs kicking me in my sleep. Twice the time needed to get ready to go out. Twice the makeup. Twice the hair in the shower drain. Two times a month when a woman loathes me. Two purses to hold while they go to the bathroom. Two wives to chide me for flipping through the channels on the TV too fast. Two pairs of shoes kicked off in the middle of the hallway for me to trip on. Two wives telling me, “That’s okay honey, it happens sometimes. We can cuddle instead.” Most importantly, two wives with credit cards!

Maybe one wife to love is plenty for me.

I guess I’d better hold onto the receipt in case I have to return the new wife… then again… I wonder if they’d notice if I put the old wife in the new box and tried to return her instead!

Do you think they’d check?

Just kidding. (I'm sure they would check anyway).


Ryan or Kara said...

Ha ha ha, very funny.

Grant's Mom said...

Actually, I am still laughing...


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